All posts filed under: My story

Dragon Roar 2

I got in touch with this heat inside of me. A feeling of anger and needing space to be. A feeling of a deep breath coming out of me. A dragon roar! A couple of months ago I started to contemplate this concept of the dragon energy inside of me. Strong, hot, power to protect me, power to make things happen in the world. I wanted to paint a dragon, but I didn’t know how. I started to sketch and eventually outlined this dragon painting. It has been a journey of self discovery. I am still learning what it means, what that heat at the base of my spine and through my arms is telling me. Each layer of paint that went on the canvas, each time I took it off the wall and added a little more detail made me feel more connected to my own power. What does power feel like in your body? For me it is red and solid and burning. Telling me what I need and giving me the strength to …

Dragon Roar

I’ve been exploring my inner body awareness in a series of guided group energy experiences with Denise Dee in preparation for the Brouhaha Festival. In the first call she had us focus on our throat and what might be stuck there or wanting to express itself. A big, red dragon came out of my throat. It made a guttural hissing sound like a giant snake/cat. Each time I make the sound I feel fierce and strong and protective. Get out of my space! (anything that doesn’t belong there) I’ve been working on this red painting. It started as a red figure curled up on itself. I struggled for a while to paint a tight human and it started to open its wings and become a bird. After a few days I pictured myself in the scene standing upright with wings and spreading to the edges of the frame to fill it all with my power. I explored some photos of people and muscles and ended up with a second draft. Then, waiting for inspiration. Is it an …

Artist date

Going on a date with myself! The notion of the artist date came to me from the book The Artist’s Way a number of years ago. It involves going out by yourself to do something fun and creative to nurture your inner artist. Last Saturday we went to explore the Portland Art Museum. Since I have been painting more I realized that I haven’t really been looking at other people’s art, and can’t quite remember the names for the various art movements and styles. Time to get inspired! First I went upstairs to the American traditional paintings. After about 20 minutes my mind was swimming. So many different styles of putting paint on paper! They must have spent hundreds of hours making some of those. Such intricate details, fine brush strokes. Did they paint with a single bristle? Who even has time for that these days? How might I integrate what I see into my own work? Needing to sit down and stare into space. Digest the thoughts and impressions. To find that balance point between …

A song for my soul

Last night I pulled out my drum and crystal singing bowl and sang from my heart to my belly. In the rhythm and tone old memories were shaken loose; heartbreak and dances with former loves, injuries and illness stuck in my body, anger and sadness, joy and peace. Like a wind blowing through canyons and over hills of my inner landscape the song washed and cleared. My home was humming with good vibrations. Connections with guides and healing masters re-established I drifted off to peaceful sleep.

Desperately seeking connection

I’ve been going dancing again lately. I love to dance, to feel my body move to the rhythm of the music. Ecstatic dance, late night rave, trance, boom boom. Several times I have found myself going and going for 4-5 hours. Didn’t even know I had it in me. When I used to dance I would be focused almost entirely inward. Closed eyes letting the sounds pulse through me I’d find myself in front of the left speaker with nothing between me and the boom boom. In my minds eye the patterns of light would follow my limbs, twirling and swirling, jumping and beating to the rhythm. Lost in my own adventure. These days it’s different. I am different. I see people. I watch people. Watch them writhe and pulsate. Some subtle, some wild, some almost tripping over themselves. It’s beautiful to see others move with abandon. The places I go tend to be filled with dancers for the sake of dancing, not so much showing off and picking up.

I am not perfect

” The reason I forgive you Is because you are not perfect You are imperfect And so am I All humans are imperfect ” Max from Mary and Max I am not perfect. And some day I am going to die. What a relief! I’ll just get on with being myself now, thank you.

Welcome back, Cat

Life has been an incredible journey through uncharted territory these past few weeks. I can’t really begin to explain the experience of meditating with Swami Kaleshwar‘s energy and long time students for the Guru Purnima celebration last week. Suffice it to say that I’ll be digesting it for a while. Perhaps someday I’ll have something good to write about it. In a strange twist of life I am stuck at home doing just that as I fell ice skating on Sunday. I hit my head and dislocated my right shoulder. So now I am at home resting, healing and eating and catching up on my herb school homework. For breakfast I had this lovely gyro lamb patty, from New Season’s market. It’s on a bed of thinly sliced sautéed collards with a side of onion, carrot and burdock, a fried egg and a scoop of beet/ cabbage kraut. I washed it all down with a nice glass of duck broth. Yum, yum. For lunch I had a salad with garden greens and flowers. Being careful …

A little death in my daily life

An astrologer friend pointed out that since I have Pluto in my sixth house I would experience a little death in my daily life. For a while nap time with the babies served that purpose. If you’ve ever supported a young one in the transition from here to wherever it is we go when we sleep you must know what I mean. Falling asleep, letting go of the world, trusting your body to the earth, embodied in your warm soft bed it is like dying. You go all alone. You don’t know what will happen. And as a little one not yet versed in this worlds permanency it must be frightening at times. I’m here, you’re alright, we can play again when you wake up. Well, today nap time was easy. The little ones slip off to sleep after a few minutes of singing to themselves and I found my death in a book. Zazen by Vanessa Veselka a Reed graduate. I mention Reed because it was in the Reed alumni magazine that I first …

Agrimony for letting go

Started taking Agrimony yesterday. Matt Woods recommended it after feeling my pulses. I’d asked for his advice about the constipation I’ve been having for far too long now. He and some other students held my wrists and felt my blood move against their finger tips while he placed different remedies in my hand. Finally Agrimony seemed to release something in the clenching sensation in my large intestine point. Weird enough that that’s actually possible to feel. As soon as I took a few drops I started to cry. Nothing big and remarkable just the terrible heartbreak I still feel underneath all my happy life and health. Seeping out of my eyes and running down my cheeks. It feels good to admit it to myself and it feels terribly painful. She used to like the way I said “terribly” or was it “horribly” I can’t even really remember. But I do remember how it felt when love was good and my heart aches for that. I know things have been shifting in the past few weeks, …

I love kids

Suddenly it occurs to me what a big role kids play in my life. Sure, I know I work 30+ hours a week with two amazing toddlers, have a 7 year old daughter of my own, started and worked at the Village Free School (a small, democratic school in SE Portland) for 5 years, nannied for 3 years before that and worked at a Montessory preschool in my early twenties. But somehow it never showed up in my mind as one of my hobbies, interests or passions. Really!?! I bet that’s what any of the people who know me must be thinking right now. It’s one of those blind spots right in front of your face. Clearly I love kids. I take more pictures of them than I do of plants, mountains, art, anything really. I’m almost always reading a few parenting books. And people have been paying me and thanking me for over a decade for taking care of, loving, educating, playing with, feeding and nurturing their offspring. But me, I didn’t really notice …