Over the past few weeks I have repeatedly found myself in this almost unbearable state of frustration. Some seemingly minor activity that wasn’t working the way I wanted to would bring up this intense anger. I invariably found myself pushing harder to get the task done while yelling at myself in my head.
” I hate you! This sucks! It’s never going to work! I am such a failure! etc, etc ”
And then the fact that I got so angry over ‘nothing’ made me feel more upset with myself. After a little while the feeling would pass, leaving my puzzled about why it had come up in the first place. Having done a fair bit of soul growing I just left it sitting there on the side table of my mind. A curiosity that I hoped my future self would better understand.
Today I was at the gym doing some pushups against the wall. I could feel the muscles in my shoulder aching and was displeased by how weak it felt.
“I hate you!” it burned through my consciousness.
That time I actually heard it. “I don’t hate you. I love you.” I responded. Suddenly I softened. Pushing more gently against the wall and causing no pain in my body. “I love you. You are doing so well. Thank you for trying. ” I found myself almost caressing the wall with my arms. The anger left as soon as it had come up. I was filled with a warm smile and great peace for the rest of my workout.
That’s what all the anger was about. Not that I wasn’t succeeding at my tasks, but that I was displeased with myself and pushing beyond my current capacity in some attempt to make myself into something I am not. Well, I’d be yelling “I hate you!” to anyone else who treated me like that too. Guess it’s good I am actually listening now.
It seems that we have passed into a new phase of awareness the past few months and suddenly the unworkable patterns are acutely visible. For me it has become painful not to be honest when speaking to others and now clearly with myself too. What a beautiful blessing to get such clear and direct feedback.