I've been going dancing again lately. I love to dance, to feel my body move to the rhythm of the music. Ecstatic dance, late night rave, trance, boom boom. Several times I have found myself going and going for 4-5 hours. Didn't even know I had it in me.
When I used to dance I would be focused almost entirely inward. Closed eyes letting the sounds pulse through me I'd find myself in front of the left speaker with nothing between me and the boom boom. In my minds eye the patterns of light would follow my limbs, twirling and swirling, jumping and beating to the rhythm. Lost in my own adventure.
These days it's different. I am different. I see people. I watch people. Watch them writhe and pulsate. Some subtle, some wild, some almost tripping over themselves. It's beautiful to see others move with abandon. The places I go tend to be filled with dancers for the sake of dancing, not so much showing off and picking up.
Sometimes I find the rhythm of another resonates with something in me. I follow it, follow them. Toss back and forth the interplay of body, sound and movement. Sometimes I catch an eye, see you seeing me seeing you. And we smile. We share the joy of the moment. For a short glimpse or maybe even to play for a whole song. And then you disappear, back into the crowd. And later it seems almost awkward to look at you. So strange.
I find myself walking away from dancing with this ache in my being. Disappointed somehow. It took me a while to give it a name. Loneliness! A sense of desperately seeking connection that I didn't even know was in me. Almost like it is something out there on the dance floor that I'm picking up on, something that is in all of us.
Desperately seeking connection. And equally desperately clinging to our individuality, our separateness, our autonomy. A fear of merging, blending, surrendering to oneness.
So we come together to connect and then we leave alone. Some of us leave with a friend, others with a drink. Did you get what you came for? Was a glimpse of oneness enough? Or will you be back again next week? Desperately seeking connection and then pulling back before you get lost in it.